Shine On, You Crazy Stick Insect
I got referred to Kafkaesque
by one of my fave bloggers, Skot at Izzle Pfaff (see right). In his (Kafkaesque's) latest posting, he points out that this was the year of SHINY ACTRESSES at the Academy Awards--but I think he missed the real gloss of the evening, so I sent him an email:
I realize you were probably talking about the gowns the actresses were wearing, and thus probably missed the TRUE shininess (dang—Is that a word? Spellchecker says OK) of the evening.
The true shininess, the ne-plus-ultra of gleaming and glistening: Renee Zellweger’s face. At ALL the award shows I’ve seen, that girl looks like just before going onstage, she reached into her purse for a powder puff to cut the glare and instead grabbed a big hunk of fatback. Realizing her mistake she decided, what the hell, I’m from Texas, and rubbed it on her face anyway.
But at least this year, thanks to her “packing on the pounds*” for Bridget Jones’ Diary 2, The Revenge of “Hello, Mummy," she at least didn’t also look like a poster child for wayward skeletons with apple doll heads.
*By “packing on the pounds,” I mean having gained enough weight to not have to worry about the bones rubbing through the skin.
That's the whole text of what I sent. I could have ranted on and on about not only this crazy greasy sheen Ms. Zellweger sports in all non-film appearances**, and not only about how her eyes totally disappear into her face***, but also about how stupid it is that she's supposed to be so overweight in Bridget Jones
****. But I didn't. Good thing I'm so restrained, eh?
**What the fuck is up with that? Is she secretly 14? Is she totally nervous in public? If that's the answer, I'd hate to shake her hand at one of these functions. I truly feel for her makeup artist on the films she does, though--how would you like to have to explain to a spoiled Hollywood actress how "RightGuard anti-perspirant actually makes a very good base coat for makeup, all the hot stars are doing it"?
***I realize she's mostly very pretty, in a fairly unconventional way, but she must at all costs be restrained from smiling her natural smile. Her cheeks puff up and her eyes turn into two tiny black currants lost in a sea of custard. Yuck.
****That girl has never been fat. She's pretty skinny even after putting on an extra 10 pounds, or however much it was. Perhaps it's just me--my tastes, as a very large person who in spite of his rants about sizeism still feels compelled to note he's not fat, tend to run toward women who are "actual sized"--but I completely buy into the concept that Hollywood is totally fucked up about women's weight.