A Weekend On The Rack
This weekend Girlygirl and I went to upstate NY to visit with her parents (well, her Dad and Stepmom. She has too many parents, sporting four against my paltry two). They've recently done major remodeling to their house, and it was high time we saw the changes.*
Though they hadn't mentioned it, chief among the changes at the house was the fact that they'd taken the admittedly-too-short-for-me double bed out of the guest room, and inexplicably substituted a fucking sofabed. This change may even be permanent, Jeebus save us. Anyway, while the 'rents didn't see it as a major issue, it sure was a nightmare for me. Or at least it would have been, if I'd actually had any sleep in which to have said nightmare.
I'm sure there are people who can sleep well on a sofabed, regardless of its quality, and I'm sure there are good quality, comfy-sleeping sofabeds out there. I am not one of those people, and this was most assuredly not one of those sofabeds. "Uncomfortable" doesn't do justice to this implement of torture. "Burlap sack full of tennis rackets, laid inside of a giant bowl" might be closer. You have to make sure there's a way to easily get a couple of the tennis rackets out of the sack though, to beat the occupants soundly throughout the night, to really get the full flavor of this cruel parody of a bed. Even if it had not been hideously uncomfortable in the mattress department, there was the fact that is was easily eight inches short of supporting my full length. Luckily, there was the sharp-edged iron frame all the way around to support any stray body parts, or fracture unwarily plopped down hindquarters. These were not nights on Heartbreak Ridge,** but rather nights in the Pit of Despair, assuming the shape of Deadman's Curve.
I awoke each morning (three times! Curse the urge to make a long weekend of it!) with my kidneys howling from the pummeling, wrists and ankles bruised by the frame members, and having slept only enough to stave off madness. The second morning, I was greeted in the kitchen by Girlgirl's Dad with a cheery, "Did you sleep well?" "Like you don't know, you sadistic bastard--I heard you laughing as you wielded the rackets," I replied. OK, I didn't say that. I think I sort of gaped for a moment, looked away and said something like, "It's amazing how you sleep when you know you won't wake up to chores to do or a lawn to mow." He seemed happy with that response, so I left off the part about how, since I didn't go to sleep, I couldn't have awoken to those things even if they'd had them planned for me.
Overall, the rest of the weekend was fine--they're otherwise very good hosts, and it's relaxing to visit the "country" and see all the wildlife*** around their house. So relaxing, in fact, that I found myself dropping off to a nap on pretty much any comfortable surface presented to me.
*As this also marked the first trip anywhere in several months because of Girlygirl's back injury and subsequent surgery, we could have been going to help clean up a rubbish tip and we'd have been excited to go. The fact that we were going for a fabulous feed or two and seeing how swank their pad has become was just icing.
**My old college roomie had a daybed/guest bed at his Mom's house that had been so broken down by decades of kids jumping on it and folks plunking down on the edge to tie shoes that the springs were completely sacked out everywhere but down the middle. Sleeping on that bed required an uncommonly honed self of unconscious balance, or a tendency to sleep with arms and legs spread-eagled. If you rolled to one side or the other, the bed would obligingly give way and try to roll you the rest of the way onto the floor. We called it Heartbreak Ridge. I spent many a night on Heartbreak Ridge, and only fell from the summit while sleeping once--a major accomplishment, I'm told.
***All kinds of cool birds, including two kinds of woodpecker, hawks, a wild turkey that strode right through the yard, and a pheasant that hiked all the way around the house one morning, with Girlygirl and I running from window to window to track it, deer, rabbits, chipmunks, etc. The neighbors on one side keep horses that will come see you at the fence, and on the other side they have these impossibly small donkeys. Very cool for an animal lover. And they have the world's nicest cat.